How to Manage the Holidays With Estranged Family Members, and the Guilt That Comes With It

The Modern Domestic Woman
Dec 24, 2025
4 min read

“But We’re Family!”

The snow is on the ground, the air is crisp, and for many people, that means the holidays are near, the excitement, the warmth, the gatherings.

But for so many others, it also means the quiet anxiety creeping back in… the mental preparation for walking into grandma’s house where the unsolicited comments begin, the boundary-crossing relatives are waiting, and old family dynamics resurface the moment you hang up your coat.

And if you’re estranged from certain family members or considering taking space this year, the season can bring a very particular grief and guilt that’s hard to put into words.

Let’s talk about it.

Why “But We’re Family!” Isn’t a Free Pass

You’ve probably heard it:

“But they’re your family, you have to go.”
“It’s the holidays, just let it go.”
“You’re being dramatic.”
“You’re going to regret this someday.”

Many of us were raised in homes where proximity was valued over emotional safety, and where being the “good daughter/son/sibling” sometimes meant tolerating disrespect or minimizing our own pain.

But here’s the truth:

Being related to someone does not guarantee they are safe, respectful, or healthy for your mental well-being.

Estrangement, whether temporary or long-term, is not a failure. It is a response to harm, trauma, or repeated patterns that your body and mind can no longer absorb.

You are not weak for needing distance. You are not cold for choosing peace. You are not disloyal for protecting your mental health.

And yet… the guilt still lingers.

The Guilt Isn’t Yours, It’s the Conditioning

If you feel guilty about taking space from family, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

Guilt is often a sign that you’re breaking a dysfunctional pattern you’ve outgrown.

You may be grieving:

The version of family you wish you had
The tradition that never matched your real experience
The pressure to keep everyone happy
The fear of disappointing others

This is emotional labor you’ve likely carried for years, and you were never meant to carry it alone.

Signs You May Need Distance This Holiday Season

If thinking about the holidays brings:

Tightness in your chest
Overthinking days before the event
Shame or fear of being judged
Emotional flashbacks or feeling “small” again
Pressure to “play a role”
Dreading, rather than looking forward to, the gathering

Your nervous system is giving you information: This environment is not neutral for you.

Distance, physical or emotional, can be a protective boundary, not a punishment.

How to Cope With Estrangement During the Holidays

1. Name the Loss

Estrangement isn’t just separation; it’s grief. Let yourself acknowledge the sadness, the weirdness, the “this isn’t how it should be.”

Grief is not proof that you made the wrong choice. It’s proof that you cared.

2. Give Yourself Permission

Write this somewhere:

“I am allowed to choose the people and spaces that support my well-being.”

Sometimes we need to hear it from someone else until we can say it to ourselves.

3. Prepare a Boundary Script

Boundaries don’t need to be essays. Simple is powerful:

“I won’t be attending this year, but I hope you enjoy the holiday.”
“I’m choosing what feels healthiest for me right now.”
“I’m not discussing those relationships today.”

Short. Clear. You owe no explanation.

4. Rebuild the Holiday Around Yourself

Create a day that feels good for you, not a day shaped around obligation.

Ideas:

A cozy dinner with your partner or kids
A new tradition (movie marathon, puzzles, matching PJs, café breakfast)
Volunteering
A quiet day of rest and reflection
Chosen-family gatherings

Tradition is meant to be supportive, not suffocating.

5. Use Grounding Tools When Guilt Kicks In

Try:

Deep breathing with longer exhales
Placing a weighted blanket over your chest
A short affirmation: “My peace matters.”
Journaling the truth vs. the fear (“What I know vs. what I feel”)
Texting someone safe for validation before or after the event

You are not meant to regulate alone.

6. Remind Yourself: You Are Not Choosing Hurt, You Are Choosing Healing

Estrangement is often the boundary set after every smaller boundary was broken.

This is not abandonment. This is not cruelty. This is not selfishness.

This is survival. This is healing. This is the cycle-breaking you’ve been working toward.

If You Attend the Gathering Anyway…

Some people choose to go despite the discomfort. If that’s you:

Create a time limit (“I’m staying one hour”)
Have a support person you can text
Take breaks in the bathroom to breathe
Give yourself an exit plan
Sit with the relative who feels safest
Release the pressure to entertain or force conversation

You’re allowed to show up in a way that protects your energy.

The Holiday Season Can Hold Both Joy and Grief

Maybe this season feels heavy. Maybe it feels confusing. Maybe this is the first year you’re choosing distance. Maybe you’re still mourning the family you hoped to have.

Whatever you're walking through, I want you to know:

You’re not alone, your feelings are valid, and your boundaries matter, especially during the holidays.

Family is not defined by shared DNA. Family is defined by shared safety.

And you deserve nothing less.

About the Author:

Dennise Demitro is a Latinx therapist who brings a compassionate, culturally informed approach to her work with clients navigating trauma, depression, anxiety, and relationship challenges.

As a member of the MDW Mental Health Advisory Board, she is especially passionate about increasing mental health support for men and breaking down stigma in underserved communities.

Dennise prioritizes creating an environment that is accessible and inclusive, offering therapy in both English and Spanish to ensure clients can engage in the language they feel most comfortable.

Her work centers on building trust, fostering resilience, and helping clients move toward lasting emotional well-being.

Reach out to Dennise at dennise@namasatherapy.com or 708-793-7892