• The Modern Domestic Woman

Questioning what you've been taught: How short-circuiting bad wiring can help you become anti-racist


And more importantly, our kids are watching.

I attended a Black Lives Matter protest in St. Charles, Illinois, last week, my first but certainly not my last. Gathering with like minds in a setting eager to learn and change and grow is quite profound. It creates a real glimpse of hope despite the hateful dark world we live in.

My heart was destroyed when I heard George Floyd say "mama”. If anyone one group on earth embodies the definition of “to serve and protect” is mothers. A sign at a recent protest displayed:

“All mothers were summoned when George Floyd called out for his mama.”

As we sat in the park listening to George gasp and plead for help, I closed my eyes and felt the terror in his voice. He called for his mother and I felt tingling in my throat like I was going to throw up. Pictures of my own son flashed through my mind, and I sat there crying, willing someone to tackle the officer and make all of this stop.

“Oh my God,” I whispered to myself through my face mask, my own hot breath choking me as I sat in the grass rocking back and forth. This man, this man, who could be my brother, my neighbor, my cousin, my kid’s teacher, my pastor – he’s begging for help and I’m listening to him die.

I watched a mother lead her daughter away from the protest, the little girl crying from the sounds of what she’s heard and again, I was hit in the heart. This small child understood the enormity of what she heard while grown adults brush it under the rug and minimize the taking of this man’s life.

I quickly turned angry as I listened to George gasp over and over again “please, please, please” – the gasping makes me physically ill to listen to and I clench my fists and feel my head about to burst.

“Why?” I hiss to myself, “Why won’t anyone help him?”

“They’re gonna kill me,” George says.

“Please.”

I plugged my ears, I had to because I felt myself about to scream out into the silent crowd. I went through a list of the people in my life who I could envision in this position. Friends and cousins, neighbors, acquaintances even – nobody on the face of this earth deserves what George endured for 10 seconds let alone almost nine minutes.

I cursed that police officer, Derek Chauvin, under my breath and every officer that did not tear him down to save George Floyd. I cursed him again and again and realized if my baby, my son was tormented, tortured and cast aside like a piece of garbage I, too, would raise hell to defend him. Processing that kind of horror as a mother, witnessing the flippant attitude towards a human life – your own son’s human life – would send me over the edge of reason and sanity.

There’s no telling what I would do.

If we’re honest about American history, my white ancestors founded this country to flee from religious oppression and then, turned to abuse groups of people they deemed inferior.

That mindset, riddled and grounded in hate, privilege, and bias, was a product of “old wiring” and for many of us, that’s not who we are as a people anymore. The “old wiring” is finally short-circuiting.

If I want to see a radical shift in the world, change must start with me. There’s a group of human beings full of love who are not willing to stand by and let hate reign in any capacity.

To see this change, I have to be willing to have uncomfortable conversations and call out bigots and hatred. Even if that ignorance comes from within my family or within myself. It starts with everyday things, the comments, the jokes, the seeming “little” things that are not so little to some. The knee-jerk reactions, the gossip, the injustice.

I’ve witnessed unjust assumption as a young black man was tackled to the ground amid a crowd of white people in a bar shooting. As a group of us shouted, “he didn’t do anything!” to the police, and we were told to be quiet.

I listen to black mothers and the mothers of black children tell me of the constant fear they live in, always on guard the moment they or their kids step out of the house for the day.

And if I sit back and really think about all the subtle suppressions I’ve witnessed or heard of by friends of color, I’m dizzy over the trauma they endure on a daily basis. And that’s exactly what it is – TRAUMA. Sitting anxiously in fight or flight mode every second of every day is damaging. I’m personally in therapy to discover how I can re-wire my own mindset to move past living in my own version of fear, yet it’s nothing compared to generations of trauma, passed down and violently thriving in people of color. We must be finished with the old wiring, evolve and change into a mindset of equality, acceptance, and human decency.

How do we even move forward from here? Entering stage three of reopening the state I live in seems trivial at best as we revert back to documenting the “irritating” moments of our day, stupid facepalm moments, and pretend our influential social posts will make a difference in the lives of others with quotes and #bestlife hashtags. As the headlines fade away, the media will want us to forget.


But I can’t.


We can’t.


George’s voice is forever carved into my memory, reminding me that at any moment, until our world changes its view of the value of black people, these injustices will happen – again and again and again.

I’m an empath and I feel all the feels. My heart burst when I truly dove into the realities of injustice of people of color. Imagine, wading in a thick body of constant trauma, attempting to mold a life that’s safe and peaceful for you and your family. You’re gasping for air, furiously desperate to breathe and come out on the other side unscathed, but the more you struggle, the louder you plead your case and try to reason a way out of this tragic dilemma, the more weight is pressed on your body. Sinking into the abyss, all you can think of is the one person who gave you a safe place to retreat – your mama.

In our home, we’re taking a pledge that will be rooted in our hearts, poised and ready for when we witness evil:

I pledge to not stand by when I see injustice.

I pledge to teach and show my children a better way of living, lead with love, filled with compassion and respectful acceptance that every person is a human being.


I pledge to apologize when I am wrong.

I pledge to open my eyes and see the world differently, through the eyes of those who have suffered at the hands of evil.

I pledge to love and educate with kindness, patience, and compassion, the individuals who currently do not see eye-to-eye with my outlook on life.

I pledge to speak carefully and resist using destructive words, rather, engage with powerful thoughts of wisdom and a willingness to see racist individuals change and grow.


And each and every day, I pledge to work actively with actions and words to make the world a better place.



Looking for resources to educate yourself, learn about systemic racism and start to act? Try these:


George Floyd Called For his Mama, Amy Cooper Called 911: Resources to Understand Systemic Racism in America and How to Help Change It - by Mary Tyler Mom

A (Partial) List of Anti-Racism Resources - by Melisa Wells


About the author: Elizabeth Rago is a mama, wife, and the creator of The Modern Domestic Woman (MDW). Starting with silly beginnings writing about home decor and DIY projects, Elizabeth found MDW to be a happy distraction from her stressful life.

After a series of unfortunate events including job loss, a car accident, bankruptcy, and a physical and emotional breakdown, Elizabeth felt compelled to shift the primary focus of MDW from pretty pictures and goofy memes to a space of honest support for the modern woman. Learn more about Elizabeth at MDWcares.com

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Please note that the creator, administrators, and some contributors to this site are not doctors or professional therapists. We're here to provide a listening ear and supportive encouragement to find resources in your geographic location.

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